A letter to my dad

15hb/august: abah suke meracau.. cth nye..
                   "ambikkan abah..." pastu stop.
                   "ambik ape?"
                   diam.....
                   - -"
  cth 2.

                  "roti untuk anak-anak".....
                   diam......
                   -.-"
16hb: abah semput..lung die dah rosak, sampai bunyi kahak bile breathing.. sbb abah dah x larat nak batuk, that's why batuk die tak lepas..kesian. nafas die pon pendek2 je.. merisaukan betul..

dahnye mak decide nk bwk hospital, n better call ambulance..so dlm pukul 7 ambulance yg lembab tu sampai rumah..huh, dlm hati aku "klu org nazak, dah sempat mati agaknye"..

pagi tadi pon abah dah tak bercakap, sakit sangt agaknye..cume mlm tadi tak boleh tido, ditenungnye aku yg tgh berpehbuk...aduhh, rase bersalah... :P

hari ni berdua dgn adik aku je kat umah ni. sbb abh masuk icu, mak aku dgn kaka aku semua stay smpi dokter placing die kat wad..

ptg tu kitorg pg tgk abah. doktor pon tak mampu nak tolong apa. just provide oxygen. incase kami tak boleh handle the critical and panic situation kat rumah, so we better stay at the hospital.

aku tak tggu abah kat hospital, aku balik rumah sbb x boleh tggu ramai2. cuma 2 org kakak aku, abang dgn mak je yg stayed.

17hb: Pagi2 lagi kakak aku call. katenye abah dah nazak..so kitorg cpt2 bersiap nk pg hospital for the last visit (perhaps). tgh tunggu cazen aku, tibe2 abg aku kate tak payah datang sini. duduk je rumah, kemas rumah, bace yassin. WHAT IS THIS!

mmg aku dapat rasa, aku tgk langit mendung, aku paggil bibik aku, cpt2..pastu aku nmpak adik aku mngis, aku dah tau the what was happening. aku cool lagi. come to sense, jgn jadi bodoh menangis byk..png kepala nanti..so aku nk bgtaw bibik aku..tapi kelu lidah..mmg aku nangis lahh time tu.

pulak tibe2 pg tu dtg period! hishh......
aku buat yang termampu je la..

dear my beloved dad..

        today will be your last visit in this house. I know how scared you are to face the death. but I also know you were ready. that's why you choose to face Allah and left your family and your fantasy. you lived with us for almost 60 years and I lived with you for almost 22 years. no more double birthday party for us two..no more fight, no more word 'dad' to call, no more kissing on a vase, no more tummy patting and no more 'daddy' who will call my phone. everything between you and me is over now.

         As I lived with you as your fifth daughter, I proudly saying: you are the best dad I had, even I lost your figure for 5 years since you changed but, I knew that my beloved dad has comeback for the last one month. I just want to say that I miss you, I love you and thank you..I'm sure I'll meet you and apin again one time, and we will be together again just like the past..

very soon..

padan muke, minum lagi kopi mlm2..kan dah tak leh tidow.
ok saje nak update status kerje aku ni. siang tadi baru lepas exam subjek yang teciciq hari tu..alhamdulillah, very smooth...jawapan (entahlah..)

semalam buke dgn boss..hehe ade gambaw dgn staff MARCOM NAZA KIA MALAYSIA..
WOW..

gembire x?? cm over je..

사랑해요 우리 아버지

ce teke aku nak cite ape sbenonye ni. byk cite ni..tapi kite wat lekk dulu..
cite satu2..

ok..kat rumah aku skrang ni sgt tonggang tebalik. sbb ayah aku tgh sakit teruk yang tak termampu aku bygkan akan jadi kat family aku tahun ni. mcm dlm movie jugak la..
skrg ni aku tahu n merasa jaga orang sakit. sangat menyedihkan..humm..
my father..he suffering thyroid cancer since I was in high school. but it seem to be very fine lately..

but after two weeks I left (I mean I went to the city), my father's condition turns bad. he act like a baby. he hold my hands without a word. what shall I speak at a moment like this. all the memories of him during my childhood moment keep attending my mind. no words..
I cried so much.
Hari first balik, when I on my way back home, my mom called and she asked me where are we?
I said less than a second we'll reach the front door, so wait for us and don't lock the door since the night still young (10pm).
my mom said "abah masuk hospital, tgh dalam ambulance" suddenly I lost my smile and said ok!
then, around 5 am my mom wakes me up and says "tolong tgkkan abah. mak ngantuk."
OK, I sleep tightly without noticing that my father was back. I see he's bad condition. Mmg meleleh air mate..terus aku duduk sblah abah n mintak ampun, mintak maaf. TAKUT kalau kalau...
mmg he changed a lot. then die mintak aku bace yassin utk die.. lagilahhhhhh................

sumpah aku tak sedia nak hilang for a second time since apin meninggal 5 years ago.
ape pun tak siap lagi.. tahun ni mmg aku tak mengharap untuk sambut raya mcm orang lain. baju raya pon tak berjahit. kuih raya lagila..ampun aku nak pegi bersuka ria sedangkan abah aku tgh sakit mcm tu.
tiap kali aku tgk die mmg aku tak tahan sedih...teringat dulu-dulu mase sihat kan.

mood sedih..

Tapi tu lah kan...jgn menyesal sbb kene hadap semua bende ni.sakit mmg sakit, tapi semua ni ade hikmah n sentiasa bersyukur dgn tuhan. don't regret.........